Sunday, January 7, 2018

Destroy Everything

People don't like change. Often times they try to make small changes, incrementally. Often they want to change without actually changing. They want to lose weight without cutting out any of their favorite foods. They want to exercise without cutting something else to make the time. They want to find success without taking energy out of something else to make it happen.

It rarely works. All of my biggest and most lasting changes have come from destruction. I like change. It's scary. But I embrace things that scare me. Those are the things worth doing. Sometimes the new thing isn't perfect. So I have to destroy that too. And adjust once again.

Maybe if I can destroy this snow, it'll be replaced by warmth.

I think it's easier for me than for others. I didn't have much stability when I was young. I moved around a lot and changed schools a lot. I didn't even start school until 5th grade. Talk about destroying what I was accustomed to! I sucked with people. To learn to be better I had to destroy the old me, in a big way.

The new me was.... fun. But kind of an asshole. More destruction. More change. There was some gradual growth, sure. Learning. Experience. But it's like swimming. I was told very recently that swimming isn't something you really get better at just by doing it over and over. You have to do drills. They essentially make you to do something so different that it forces you to learn something you wouldn't if you just kept doing the same old thing. That makes sense.

It makes sense... but I still hate drills

I hated that. I just wanted to swim and be done. And yet, every time I had a big learning moment, it was the result of a drill or a big change that I forced. So, change is still scary. And I'm older. The older you are, the more ready you are to have the life that you've been striving for. That's the goal: To work work work, and find your groove. You don't necessarily stop working, but you want to get to a point that you know where you're at and where you're going.

Destruction happens, no matter where you are in life. And sometimes it can be a huge surprise. Either something that's imposed on you that's out of your control. Or something that you suddenly realize about yourself. "I'm unhappy", "this isn't working", "I have to do something different." And even if you're prepared (though you can never really be... can you?), it's still tumultuous. Nerve-wracking. Crazy.

I've learned another lesson recently..... that maybe there are things that don't need to be destroyed. I've always wanted love in my life, but for a long time I was all to willing to let it go. Fear. That's what it was. Change is scary. But sometimes not-change is scary too. When you let people into your life, they gain power over you. Power over your happiness and well-being.

Aack, this creature definitely has power over my well-being.

But that comes with the territory. If you truly care about someone, then you worry about them. What happens to them affects you. If they betray you, you get hurt. But it's not a reason to flee from those relationships. Because the alternative, loneliness, is worse by far. And then destruction becomes... nihilism. It gets comfortable in its own way. You get to attached to the emptiness. Because when you have nothing, that nothing can't hurt you.

So, embrace change, yes. But embrace stability too. Don't destroy for the sake of destroying. Destruction is a part of humanity. A big part. Just look at history. In many SciFi fictions, the aliens want to destroy us because we're so destructive (a bit of an irony but still...). It's in our genes, and for good reason. It's the best way to learn.

But we have big juicy brains. We can analyze. We can set aside the fear, and think rationally. What do I really need? What do I really want? Keep the things that are good. Destroy the things that are bad. Replace them with things that are good.

That's the goal anyway. I'm still working at it.

Nope, change is too scary. I'll stick to just eating.

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